I am the WORST of Sinners

I am the worst of sinners. I am no better than anyone. Yeah yeah, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. I’ve been there. I’ve been in it. I’ve rolled in the nastiness. The deep, dark pit of grossness. Left to my own nature, my flesh is ugly. UGLY.

It’s so easy to get caught in the shame of this. The Holy Spirit says, “whoa, that’s not who you are. That’s not your identity.” And it feels like the weight of the world is crushing down on me. The weight of God. I disappointed Him again. And I knew better. Yet here I stand, covered in gross sin.

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Then God looks at me. “That’s not who I made you to be. I’m having a hard time recognizing you right now”.

And I want so desperately to shed all of this mud. But the more I try, the more there is. Some have said sin is like carrying around a dead corpse. Think about it. Life is found in God. And if I’m standing here apart from Him, that’s living in death. Choosing to sin, intentionally or not, I’m picking up dead, rotting pieces and carrying them around.   Tucking them in my belt, shoving them up my sleeve, carrying them on my shoulder. It’s stinky. It’s smelly. It’s gross. And I don’t want this anymore. But I can’t get rid of it. And I don’t know how.

Then, the Holy Spirit reminds me. He gently lifts my chin, whispers in my ear, and He holds my hand. And He says, “come, baby girl, let’s go talk to Jesus.”

I want to!! And I’m afraid. What will I say? How will I explain? Again, Jesus. I know better. I know better. I can’t. What. Will. I. Say.

And the Holy Spirit is still there, right behind me, in my smelliness, holding me up, and He whispers, “I’m already telling Jesus about it. I know you don’t even know what to say and I am right here with you. I’m giving you the words. I’ve been deposited in you and I’m not leaving you until we’re back with Father God.”

With those words I turn and run to Jesus. I run. I don’t slow down. And I fall to His feet, my mess and all, tears running down my face, and I tell Him all about it. I sob and I tell Him all about my ugliness. I tell Him all of it. I’m broken and dirty and I don’t know how to fix this.

Then, the most amazing thing. Jesus lifts me up. “This isn’t yours to carry anymore. This isn’t yours to hold onto. Daughter, I’ve already taken the punishment for this. It’s done. It’s over. Let’s clean you up, let’s heal these wounds, let’s restore these scars.” And he begins to gently clean me. He frees me from the ugly sin. He detaches it from me and makes me clean and new. And He gives me a new white dress to wear.

Jesus says, “Okay, you’re ready, let’s go see Papa God.” I stand tall. With a huge smile on my face. I’m dancing on my way to see Abba Father. I’m twirling with joy in my new white dress. Yes, this is the freedom I was meant to live in. This is the freedom God created me to live in. I love running to see my Creator and for Him to see His creation.

God smiles at me, Jesus giggles over me, and the Holy Spirit rejoices in me. And Father God scoops me up and sits me in His lap. “Daughter, I made you to know me. I love you, your are mine. And you are beautiful.”

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