Finding My Voice

I have struggled in the past with having a voice.  There have been times in my life I wasn’t allowed to express my anger, or the fear beneath it.  I also was very timid in sharing my deeper views or feelings.  I think some of it goes back to that “Not Good Enough Principle”. If I don’t measure up, why would people want to hear my views or thoughts?   If I didn’t measure up, or wasn’t allowed to be angry, how could my other feelings be valid? Why would someone want to know them?

I think at times in my younger years I was sort of a shape shifter. I can get along with a lot of different people in a vast amount of situations. I can play the peacemaker to make sure everything is okay for everyone. Everyone except me.   Because I didn’t have the voice to stand up and declare what I felt in the situation. Or what I needed out of the situation. Because of my insecurities I held back. So I often ended up in situations I wasn’t okay with, or in situations that felt horrible. And that’s what remains. The bad feelings. And those bad feelings make a map in our minds and hearts. I get in new situations and start to experience those same feelings. Then I’m triggered right back to original situations where I was hurt. Where I had no voice.

I went through a season of healing those old situations.  Deactivating the map, so to speak.  It’s an interesting process. As I think about a hurtful situation I speak out loud. Saying the words out loud has made such a huge difference. I speak what I feel, how I was hurt, and what I need. Then I speak what I needed to hear from the other person or people. After this, I look for Jesus in the situation and talk to Him directly. I tell Him how I hurt, what I need and He usually answers me right away. It’s a pretty amazing process.

It might sound a bit odd to you, but it’s helped me gain my voice.  It helped me stand and embrace the calling He placed on my life.  I encourage you to try it too. Get out of your head. Stop the inside chatter that will drive you nuts. Speak the words. Speak the truth.  Speak them to yourself. To offenders. And don’t forget to tell Jesus. He is right there.  He already knows what’s going on, but He wants to hear it. He loves us so much and doesn’t want to see us hurting and in pain. So voice it. Voice it to Him. You have a voice and He wants to hear it.

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