Some days I get caught up in the past mistakes I’ve made. The words I stumbled over or shouldn’t have said. Sometimes regretting the words I really wanted to say but instead held in. The regret of holding back out of fear or anxiety. Sometimes it’s just a messy mass of confusion when I look in the rearview mirror of my life. Chaos, hurt, regret, un-forgiveness, anxiety, fear, shame. A disgusting mess.
I do recognize those situations have made me who I am today. I’ve hurdled a lot, bounced back, become resilient. But there is still that mess in the past that I can’t change. And really, I don’t think I would want to. I’m okay with where I am today. Rising from that train wreck, dusting myself off and looking forward with hope. You see, I don’t want to just merely survive. I don’t want to leave those words unsaid any longer. I don’t want to live from a place of fear, anxiety or shame. Instead, I want to choose a life FULL of joy, redemption and blessing.
I’ve been pondering those thoughts a lot lately. Making some sort of strategy or multistep plan to create my path towards a joyful life. And that’s just it. I can’t make the plan good enough, straight enough, fast enough. It’s not my timing. And when I keep looking toward to just the future I’m forgetting to embrace my past mess. More importantly, I’m forgetting to experience the joy of life right now in the present.
This is when I start to get overwhelmed again. Trying to find time to rest in today, keep my eye towards the future, and learn from my past. I feel the anxiety creeping in. Deep breath. I have someone else to rely on. I’m just one small piece being woven into a bigger picture. God’s big picture. He has this all in control.
He’s weaving my past mess into my present to create a masterpiece in the future. He’s weaving this life, my mess of a life, into His bigger picture.
I can rest easy in this grace. In His love, depending on Him for every step of today’s path as well as the future path.
I find reassurance that I’m not alone in this life. That He holds all of my days in His hand and has promised to uphold me with His right hand. I find forgiveness for my past. Those past situations are being redeemed, made for something good. I don’t have to be so hard on myself for my past mistakes. I don’t have to waste my time and energy dwelling there. I also don’t have to worry about my future. He knows where the path is taking me. He’s leading me there. Ultimately, I’m excited to trust Him and see what He can do as He weaves this beautiful mess.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him,
who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28